Skinny Bitch

Over the last cdouple years I've gained alot of weight. My peak weight was about 185, which is only 5lbs less then I was at my MOST pregnant. I felt gross! I can't believe I let myself go so badly. It's not like I was huge or anything. I mean I know alot of people that are over 200. But it was huge to me. My ideal weight is 130. That's what I was at my wedding almost 9 years ago. And believe it or not I thought I was fat back then. Ugh, to be that skinny again. I wish I had know then...how many times have you heard or said that. It's a cliche because it's true. But on to the better news. I started a diet in Feb (it's april now) And I'm down almost 20 lbs. I stared at 182.4. Last week I was 163.4, but this week I was 166.8. I was bad last weekend. I had a little chineese food. Not as much as I would usually eat, but I knew it was wrong to eat it. Was it worth that instant gratification? At the time it was, but gaining 3 lbs in a week kinda sucked. I don't think it was the food itself. I mean can you really gain 3 lbs from 2 eggrolls and 1 chicken finger? I don't know. But the scale doesn't lie. I'm back on track now. I was good all weekend. Well except one time...but that was the only thing I swear!! I've been "in the box", and I even got to have fish last night. I'm going into phase 2 of my diet where I'm starting to incorporate real food back in. I'm going to Cancun in 2 weeks and I want to be good. Can I loose 10 more lbs in 2 weeks? we'll see. But this cake that's been sitting on the counter all week is taunting me. I feel like Alice, and the cake is saying "eat me" I can resist!! I will!! I'm only cheating myself.

Flashback

Isn't it funny how one little thing can cause a flashback?

I was taking the day's things out of my son's backpack, when I pulled out a page of half finished work. I looked at it and wondered if this was a timed assignment, or if he was supposed to finish it at any point during the day. (Here's where the flashback comes in) 4th grade, I had Mrs. Walker. My best friends were Michelle, Amanda, and Elizabeth. My friends were smarter than I was (or so I thought). Mrs Walker put our 4 desks in a square. I think she was trying to get them to rub off on me. Whenever we would have assignments we had a certain amount of time to do them. If we didn't finish we could take them home and finish them there. My friends would put their heads down and finish theirs pretty quickly. I, on the other hand, had a more difficult time finishing my assignments. I would get embarrassed that my friends were all done, so I pretended to be done too. I would slide my unfinished work into to my messy desk, telling myself I'll just do it later. Every now and then Mrs. Walker would call me out and, embarrassed again, I had to tell her that I didn't finish. At the end of the day when we got everything we needed to take home, I opened my desk, and grabbed my homework for the night. Forgetting, of course, the unfinished work from earlier. Probably because it was already lost in the mess. When time came, the next day, to hand in our work, mine was always undone. So I would pretend I did hand it in, and it was Mrs. Walker who must have misplaced it. And again, every now and then she would call me out. She would have me empty my desk, in front of my whole class, and she would pull out sheets and sheets of unfinished work. I spend a great deal of my childhood being embarrassed for my incompetence. I really thought that, deep down, I wasn't smart. A feeling that has followed me into adulthood. For the past two or three years, I have been trying to convince myself that it wasn't my fault. That I'm not stupid. But, when you're branded with a lable at a young age, it's difficult to shed it.

I sat on the living room floor looking at my child's unfinished paper, and saw my entire life laid out in front of him. I will not have that happen. People know more about ADD now than they did back then. Not that I'm diagnosing him by looking at one unfinished assignment. And I don't just jump to conclusions. I don't think my son needs to be on medication, but it is something that I'll watch for and be a better Mother because of my experiences as a child.

I have red hair

Yup I have red hair. L'Oreal Excellance calls it 7RB. I started coloring it last year, right before my 32nd birthday. It IS naturally red though. And 7RB is a perfect match! I love having red hair. It kindof makes me...well...me. I totally get offended when someone calls it brown. Not that I don't like brown hair. But I don't have brown hair.

Growing up, I was called Red, Carrot top, and whatever else you can call a red head. But I was also complimented everywhere I went. So much that by the time I was 6 or 7 insted of saying thank you, I said "Yeah, I know"! I can still see my mother cringe. My mother, a redhead as well, tried to bring me up as properly as can be. And everytime I said "I know" it was like nails an a chalk board to her.

My firs baby was a boy, his har was so red it was almost purple. But, to my dismay, it all fell out and made way for his thick straight blond hair. My second son was born with blond hair, very unlike his older brother's. His is thick and curly. His curls are to him what my red is to me. I hope he never goes through that horrible phase that teenage boys go through, and shave it off. I'd be devistated. My third and final baby...a girl. When I found out I was having a girl, I knew right away that she was going to have red hair. I could feel it. And what do you know...she has red hair!! I love it! She doesn't have her brother's thickness, or beautiful curls, but it's RED!!

Since the first time I took her out, we got compliments. "Oh my look at that beautiful hair", and "Wow, she sure looks like her Momma". I know she will get to the point where she's so sick of it, like I was. But i know she will come to appeciate her unique hair color. I see alot of redheads now. I don't know if I'm just noticing them more, or if they've been there all along. There's a rumor, or urban legend that red heads are becoming extinct. I don't know if that's true or not. I'm just happy, like my mother before me, that I could do my part to further our existance.

Just a quickie

I just finished watching Julie and Julia. Isn't it funny how some blogs get so popular, and some never get read. I don't really care if anyone reads this or not. I just like to write. It's one place where it IS all about me. And if anyone wants to read it that's just fine. I've browsed through other bloggs, read a few, never posted a comment though. I should find a blog that no one has ever cdommented on. Maybe tomorrow. It's late and I'm tired.

Night time routine

Rick and I lay on the couch, he's usually watching some Discovery chanel show about nature. I'm eaither reading or knitting (my new hobby), sometimes I watch too. At about 10PM

Rick: You ready?
Me: yeah 1 Minute (finish chapter, or row)

Rick then goes to the counter to check his phone to see if he has any new emails before shutting it off. I head upstairs to brush my teeth. Rick comes in the bathroom, starts to floss (he does this every night now...bad teeth). He finishes and starts brushing, I take my meds, pee, and get into bed. Where I lay and wait. While I wait I think, "should we have sex tonight? It's been a while." Infact it's been a LONG while. too long. It's not that I don't like it. I do. But the working up to it part, it's easier to just go to sleep. How do I start? It's awkward to begin, I wait. Rick comes in and gets into bed. We exchange some small talk about the kids. It gets quiet, it's now or never. I wait. He starts to snore. Oh well, maybe tomorrow night

Repeat Sequence...

Forgot again

See? I said I forget things like this all the time. I really need to start meds. Seriously. I want to start ADD medication. I'm so forgetful and abscent minded. No focus, yada yada yada. Mybe I'm just not a blogger. So let's see since the last time I wrote. Quinn is now 2.5 walking talking and starting school in the fall. She's a brat of course, but she's so cute and sweet most of the time. Still has her red hair :) Tristan and Tucker haven't changed much. Tucker is better with his balance issues, but he's still loveable and stubborn as hell. And Tristan is a ball of energy...most of the time. He's sick right now. Throwing up all night. I hate when he's sick, he's no not himself.

I got another job. last november I started working at another hospital. I like it. But I still don't feel like I fit in as well as I did at the first one. Actually, maybe I didn't fit in as well as I thought. I don't work alot. Since I'm per diem, I get cancelled alot of the time. It's OK with me, but Rick hates it. He's always so worried about money, and doesn't really understand how I feel about maternity vs. med surge. He thinks nursing is nursing, and doesn't realize how miserable I'd be if I went back to med surge...i'd rather not work. It's hard to tell him stuff like that, because he thinks I'm being selfish. Maybe I am. But I've gone through alot to get this position, and I don't want to lose it. Hopefully if I'm there long enough I'll be able to get a more perminant postion. The people are really nice, and I'm starting to conect more with some of them. I finally requested them on facebook.

My whole positive outlook on life didn't last long. Not that I think negatively, mostly I just don't think. I'm bored most of the time. I've lost touch with who I am. It's a weird feeling. I don't feel depressed. But I have all the symptoms. Weight gain, loss of interest, guilt, low self esteem. It's effecting everything. My house my body my relationship. I'm sure Rick thinks I hate him...I don't. I just have no interest in anything. Sure I still get really hyperfocused on things, but it's usually in short spurts. Burning strong and fizzling up. I have half finished projects all over the half clean house. It's so frusterating, but I don't really have the willpower to do anything about it. I meal look, I've been sitting typing this for an hour, we're all in our PJs still, and the sink is full of dishes. not to mention my room. It's so disgusting. Really really disgusting. I don't even know where to begin up there. I just shut the door and forget about it. I want to just throw everything away and start fresh.

Now I'm feeling bad, I should get up and start cleaning. K, here goes.

Am I still cool?

Well, I started a blog but then forgot about it. I usually do things like that. Anyway. Well the house I was talking about got sold. Not to us. After we saw it it wasn't the same anyway. It was kind of a dump. But whatever. We'll just suffer in this one a little longer. Tristan and Tucker started school recently. Tristan is in first grade, Tuck is in nursery. I cna't believe it!! Quinn is just as cute as ever!! She's got her momma's red hair (I love it!!) We're all sick right now though. Tristan must have caught it in school, and passed it along. I was supposed to go to a wedding tonight. But Rick is going to be going alone. At least it'll be a quiet night...I hope. Quinn has been waking up alot during the night recently. We'll see I guess. It would have been nice to have a night out. But I'm not feeling well anyway, so I guess it's better. Maybe I'll rent a chick flick. Ot's raining again. It's been beautiful for a week straight. I was at camp last weekend, and had a great time. This has been the rainiest summer I can remember. Everything at camp was damp and moldy, icky. Gutta go cut rick's hair now. Weird I know...